Everything familiar fell away

I said this trip was going to change me in ways I couldn’t see yet and stretch me. And I’m feeling the growing pains. There are so many unknowns. You struggle to understand people. They struggle to understand you. You don’t feel understood. Even the simplest daily needs feel harder.

There’s this loss of autonomy because communicating is hard, so sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you stay quiet because you’re scared you’ll come off rude. Sometimes you stay quiet because you honestly don’t even know how to explain what you need.

You don’t know the customs. You don’t know how things work. You don’t know if you should be reading into something or letting it go. If you’re accidentally doing something that is insulting or considered rude. Yet, there are people doing this every day of their lives with far less privilege than I have. All of this has given me a new kind of sympathy for people who move across the world and start over. The work. The courage it takes.

It can feel isolating. I miss connection. I miss friends. I miss my kids. I miss my dog. Every little inconvenience hits harder. Not knowing when we’ll have a hot shower. Not knowing the language. Being unsure of myself. Being hyper aware of my surroundings while also trying to relax and take it all in. I have no more patterns. No routine. No appointments. No kids to hug. No friends to swing by and see. No guaranteed heat or AC. No closet full of warmer clothes. No spice rack. No pots and pans. No fully functioning kitchen. No comfortable bed. No steady connection. No solid sense of identity, or at least the one I built for myself.

And it’s not just the travel or the environment that has changed. My roles have changed. My body is changing. Everything familiar has fallen away all at once. It’s not just a shift in scenery but a shift in who I am.

I’m excited for this chapter, but also overwhelmed. Also a little like… okay, what the hell now? What does the next chapter of Kristin look like?

Maybe this is my reflection chapter where I finally get to choose for me. There are chapters I wish I could erase. Chapters I cringe at. Chapters that taught me things the hard way. Chapters that give me strength. Chapters that give me hope.

But in this chapter I get to take all the lessons from those previous chapters, let go of the things that still burden me while keeping the wisdom they left behind, and make this the most “me” chapter yet.

In growth and gratitude,
Kristin